I slept through pretty much all of yesterday. At 6.55 yesterday morning, I wrote to myself in a note on my phone, which I had thought I might make into a blog post:
Sometimes I just think, wouldn’t it be lovely to see the bright light of morning, and have actually slept. It’s 6.55 am and I’m awake still. This blog may be becoming more a documentation of poor sleep rather than general mental health.
It’s true, this blog may indeed be more of a record of sleep deprivation than of my mental health per se, but it must be said (and I imagine it’s becoming clear) that sleep plays a rather large part in my ability to cope. To be sure, if my sleep was perfect, I would still have something to write about here – it’s not that I believe my inexorable sleep problems are causing my misthinking, but they certainly are one of the things that inhibits me from functioning like most people (or in the way most people expect), and this causes me a great amount of grief.
I fell asleep not long after I made the note above, and I woke up at about 2.15 in the afternoon, feeling horrible. I had intended to pop into town and pick up some supplies for making a display at university for an outreach even we are holding next week, and I had hoped to either try on some shoes or pick up a couple of things for myself in town, too. Having woken up so late, I felt awful, as I didn’t feel like I’d have time to do those things and I thought I had wasted my day off with Oblong. She works on Saturdays and I am supposed to be in university during the week so we don’t have whole days set out very often. I murmured a call to Oblong, and she popped to see me. I voiced my distress, but I don’t recall what I said, and I don’t recall her answer.
I do know that I became very upset as I wanted to talk to her about the fact I felt bad about the day and what I had hoped to do with it, to try and talk to her about some kind of resolution, but instead there was a miscommunication and she was talking to me about the things that could be done to resolve just about everything. This distressed me more, as it brought home to me all the areas in which I am failing, just as I was coming to, bleary eyed, and it distressed me. I think I voiced my upset and asked to be left alone.
I didn’t really want to be left alone of course, but I sat crying in my somnolent state for a while before drifting back to sleep. I came to a couple of times, and it became apparent it was the evening. Oblong came into the bedroom and joined me again, we ate some food and watched a film, and I found myself falling asleep again on Oblong’s shoulder.
I woke up at about midnight, maybe 1am, and realised I had slept through pretty much all of the first day of May. I didn’t feel altogether bad about that, as the fact 2016 has moved into yet another month is terrifying me at the moment. I read for a short while and fell asleep again.
I eventually woke up, with difficulty, at about 10-10.30 this morning. I’m not sure how it happened, or why I’m so tired. I think that I need to get a new inhaler – I have one but it’s for temporary relief, and one that acts longer term has helped my breathing a lot previously, and I imagine that difficulties in breathing may be contributing to my tiredness. I will endeavour to get to my GP’s surgery tomorrow.
I haven’t achieved a lot today and feel fairly bad about that. I’m glad I stayed awake, but I feel guilty nevertheless. I wish I was bounding with energy (or you know, just normally energised) like most people seem to be after sleeping.